The art of communication III: Listening between people

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1. The definition of listening

Pay attention to the difference between listening and hearing , Hearing just means that sound waves reach the eardrum and cause vibration , And transmitted to the brain through the auditory nerve , Listening refers to filtering the information you hear 、 Give meaning 、 The whole process of remembering and responding .

That is to say, we have been listening , But not necessarily listening .

Listening should be the most important communication skill in social situations , Not one of them.

2. Elements of listening

Listening generally includes five elements , Analyze effective listening and ineffective listening from these five elements

● Hear ： Refers to the physiological dimension of listening , Environmental background noise 、 Good or bad listening will affect listening

● focus ： actually , Listening can be seen as a form of perception , The process of choice in perception corresponds to the process of concentration in listening .

So when actually listening , We will not process all the information we hear , Instead, it will filter some information , Focus on certain information .

For example, wish 、 Purpose 、 demand 、 desire 、 Interest in 、 Revenue and so on will be called our focus .

The art of communication II： Look into people Perception of
Dual processing theory ： It means that there are two levels of concentration when listening —— Absent minded and focused .
The absent-minded type is actually more hasty 、 Lazy low concentration listening , Sometimes I use stereotypes to deal with . Of course, important information is likely to be missed
The focused type is conscious 、 Listen carefully .

● understand ： Literally , Hear and focus on the information received , But I didn't understand or misunderstood the meaning of this message . Note that understanding this factor includes two parts , Understanding of literal meaning and understanding of non literal meaning .

● Respond ： Effective listening requires effective feedback , Whether verbal or nonverbal behavior .

● memory ： What is really remembered is only a small part of listening to the information

3. Ineffective listening

Ineffective listening is actually that the above factors of listening are not in place , Based on ineffective listening, you can also understand what effective listening is .

Here are some common phenomena of ineffective listening , And analyze the reasons

3.1. Hear ： I didn't hear that

Hearing is a physiological factor , So the easy problem is that you don't hear . The reason will also be very simple , Maybe the background noise is too loud 、 Hearing loss and so on .

3.2. focus ： Selective listening

The phenomenon that is easy to appear in focusing on this element is actually selectivity 、 Isolation , The meaning is very simple, that is For what you hear , Focus only on those parts that are consistent with your personal goals , Block parts that go against your personal goals

For example, when listening, your attention will focus on what you are interested in 、 What you care about , And for the content that I don't want to discuss 、 What is considered unimportant , Will shield them .

● Personal purpose ： The noun comes from The courage to be hated ： teleology .

Explain selective listening from the perspective of teleology , In fact, we have formed the purpose of focus or shielding , This purpose urges us to listen or Don't listen to , And how to form this purpose ？ Life style , This is the root cause of selective listening .

Perceptual schema

Refer to Evaluation of facts and values of things . For example, students 、 teacher 、 family 、 Elders and other facts , It also includes friendliness 、 Sharp 、 indifferent 、 nervous 、 Unreliable value evaluation .

When we hear the message , They will be involuntarily evaluated based on the perceptual schema , According to this evaluation, I may get the purpose that I don't need to listen , Then it leads to selective listening .

For example, hearing a person speak foreign languages , When I opened my mouth, I found that I didn't understand , So he blocked everything he said .

But if this perceptual schema is distorted compared with reality , Then it leads to stereotypes , Equivalent to the self fulfilling prophecy Over generalization thinking

Stereotype is actually presupposing some wrong assumptions , This will also allow us to automatically block certain information , Leading to the omission of key information .

For example, when facing some familiar propositions , Maybe I can't listen , Or not interested at all 、 Unwilling to face the content , May be automatically shielded
When we want to refute someone , Will focus on each other's loopholes 、 When we want to protect ourselves , Will focus on the other side of our offensive words . It depends on our purpose , And the purpose comes from our cognition 、 Life style .
The art of communication II： Look into people Self
The art of communication II： Look into people Perception of

Concentration overload

This is also one of the reasons for selective listening , But not at all . It means hearing too much information , People can't concentrate on all the information they hear , This will blow up the brain , So it will automatically block irrelevant information .

3.3. understand ： Don't understand the literal meaning

It's that the other party didn't understand the literal meaning of this sentence , For example, listening to foreign languages 、 Listen to professional terms 、 Some slang and so on , This is obviously not learned , Just learn .

3.4. understand ： Low accuracy listening （Low-fidelity Listening）

there fidelity It means loyalty 、 accuracy 、 Accuracy , Commonly used Listen to loyalty Describe the degree of matching between what the listener understands and what the speaker is trying to convey .

When the matching degree is low , This leads to low accuracy listening . It means I heard it too , Also notice the key words , I understand the literal meaning , but Can't perceive the other side's voice , That is, the other party's purpose request .

There are many examples , such as “ So far , Tired ”, The other party actually wants to have a rest . Again “ I feel a little inferior ”, The other party means to need comfort and so on .
Again “ Don't leave at night , Stay for dinner ”, It means to be polite 、 You should go back. Wait

Empathy gap And Cognitive complexity gap

Unable to perceive each other's voice over 、 Purpose 、 mood , It's not necessarily the listener's fault , But it's definitely self exposure and empathy or The cognitive complexity gap is too large .

among Cognitive complexity can be used to capture the speaker's purpose , Empathy is used to capture the speaker's emotions .

That is, the speaker said a sentence , The cognitive complexity of the listener is not enough to understand the purpose of this sentence , The listener's empathy is not enough to understand the emotion of this sentence

Empathy here can also be replaced by emotional intelligence
for example “ Help me carry this bag ” The purpose of the speaker of this sentence is obvious . Then lower one layer of exposure to “ This bag is heavy ”, This can also understand the other party's problems in general occasions . Another layer of obscurity “ I'm so tired after walking for a long time ”, This can understand that the other party needs to rest , But you may not understand Bao Shen . The last layer is obscure , If you don't complain, you can only reduce your walking speed 、 sweat 、 Asthma and other nonverbal communication , At this time, there are high requirements for the empathy and cognitive complexity of the partner .

The speaker chooses different degrees of self exposure , It is also related to his purpose , For example, in order to maintain personal image 、 Be polite 、 In order to deliberately hide and so on .

It can be seen that the construction of empathy and cognitive complexity is very important . In the actual communication scenario, two people communicate quickly , There is no one who thinks for a long time in order to understand the meaning of another person's sentence , So it's normal to be unable to quickly perceive the other party's real intention , But this can be done through Empathy training and pillow Logic Training Can be improved and skilled .

This process is similar to doing questions , It will be difficult to solve this problem for the first time , I can't even work it out , But if you practice more and encounter similar problems, you can react quickly .
The art of communication II： Look into people Self
The art of communication II： Look into people Perception of

3.4. Respond ：

4. Listening and responding skills *

5. Listening comprehension skills *